An Incantation Against the Horrors

The times are hard and the horrors are a plenty, but we need to get to sleep so let's make up some magical spells to fight off the fears of the... zzzz 

On Sleepy Time Mumbles... 

...a podcast you CAN miss. 

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Good evening, and welcome to Dam Bane's Sleepy Time Mumbles, a podcast you can't miss. I'm Dan Bane, and every episode I improvise a low stakes podcast for you to fall um to fall asleep to be back friends. Um been a while, had a big project, but I've wrapped it up now, and the rest of my life I have nothing. So there is no further impediment for me in making episodes of this show. I suppose there is a vague possibility. Um I might get another project that might take up a little bit of my time, but as of yet the horizon is clear. It's uh it's nothing nothing ahead, everyone. So good news for the podcast, slightly less good news for my bank account, but nonetheless, we persist, but not now. Persisting, they can wait for now. Put down your phone, turn off your screen, and close your eyes. Now it's time to be mumbled to sleep. I don't know about you, but sometimes in these times that we find ourselves in, I find myself becoming concerned about um about the about the scale of the scale of horrors that we are facing in the times that we are living in. So let's um let's build a protective circle through faux incantation and pseudo-ritual to psychically protect ourselves from the horrors as we fall asleep, we're going to construct our psychic defenses. So, first of all, the first of the horrors that we are gonna protect ourselves from is uh commenters on local news stories on Facebook. Um these people. So to build bolster our psychic defenses, we are gonna get three feathers, each from a different bird. By preference, uh three different birds of different species would be ideal. Three different feathers from three different birds and we're gonna uh we're gonna place those in a empty coconut shell. Three feathers in an empty coconut shell and this is representative of the the three humours of the local news uh Facebook poster, which is of course uh lack of education, uh anger, and uh wrap around sunglasses and we're gonna put those in the coconut shell of containment. Um that is that is gonna neutralize that energy. That is the first of the the horrors that we are gonna we are divesting ourselves of the horrors. We have no time for them. Not in not tonight. Tonight we have a priority and that priority is being restful and those people uh they and they do not contribute to restfulness. Next horror that we are gonna make uh we're gonna ritually protect ourselves from next one is um uh fear of ecological collapse. Oh boy. Yep, that's a horror. Uh but but not tonight, friends. Tonight we're gonna psychically gird our loins against concern around that. And we're gonna do that, we're gonna get six hard-boiled eggs. And we're gonna place them in a um yeah around around our bed. Six eggs around the beads as the the housewife's rhyme goes six eggs around the beds, and then the earth will be blessed. Yep, that's how it goes. Um so six eggs around the bed, and on each of them uh obviously you're gonna draw the first letter of your last name capitals. So um for example for me that would be that would be Big Capital B on the eggs the begs, so to speak, uh they go around the bed, and this just um obviously any sort of kind of apotropaic or protective magic is uh it operates on a symbolic level as well as a uh magical uh level and so the symbolism here uh obviously six eggs are the um well they're the they are the uh six phases of uh you know the rotation of the planet and um yeah, that's just it's just a healing number. Uh six of course the number of mankind, isn't it? Numerologically speaking, uh biblically, so and eggs obviously a potent symbol uh new life emerging, and of course the bonus for that is uh you can eat them in the morning, um yummy yumma. So that's pretty good. That's another horror uh negated there, so that's two uh two horrors incantated against third horror um is of course uh global conflict. Oh boy, yep, yeah, a lot of lot of that going on and um hard to sleep hard to sleep with the knowledge of that, but let's do a little incantation and let's see if let's see if we can negate that now there's a big one and so we're gonna need to um yeah we're gonna need to pull out the big ones, the big guns for this um you might you might well be thinking that solving global conflict is beyond the remit of a sleep aid podcast from uh New Zealand um But I'll give it a I'll give it a crack. And yeah, we're gonna need uh oh big big spell time. Uh we're gonna need two buckets two buckets of s salt water got uh seawater, yeah. That yep two buckets of seawater and um and uh some some crabs in there. Just a handful handful of crabs. Don't get big ones, get little ones that a handful is three or four little um little mud crabs. Um and you're gonna split them up half half in one bucket, uh half in the other bucket. Yep. And then uh obviously um uh amethyst in one and rose petals in the other one. Um yeah, uh that speaks for itself, obviously, and then agitate uh both buckets simultaneously. You're gonna want a like the the the churn from a butter churn. Now is the churn the stick or is it the is it the visal? I think it's actually the visal. So you're gonna want the uh you're gonna want to do this with the prod. I guess that's what it's called, the prod. Get one in each hand, and you'll want these to be uh used, obviously, because uh objects retain the energy from their previous activities, and so uh you want that kind of uh butter residue in both of them, one in each uh one in each bucket and just agitate um until the crabs get tired, and you'll be able to tell that they're tired because um they'll get out their pyjamas and um get ready for bed, and then they'll start getting quite cross that you keep agitating them. Um and once they've but they'll kind of blow up a bit, there'll be a bit, there'll be a bit of a tantrum prior, uh, and then just be quite stern with them, and then they'll go to sleep, and once the crabs are asleep, then we're gonna get our buckets and we're gonna pour both the buckets into a bathtub, and in the bathtub, already kind of waiting, is just gonna be a big link link of uh sausages. Okay, and so pour that over them. The sausages will kind of and you want it to be one continuous string of you know, the kind of string that like a naughty dog um would love to steal from the butcher. You know, like a naughty dog in the nineteen fifties with a string of it needs to be one unbroken sort of uh one run, one big link. No, uh multiple links, one piece, and that's all that's all that one takes. So it takes it does um yeah, will take a while that one, but it is a big it is a big one to kind of come to terms with, so uh right we're really cracking through them now. Um what are the horrors? Um those are some quite big ones. Let's do some minor horrors. Uh obviously let's do the horror of being known. Uh sometimes it's useful to be kind of to have profile, uh, but other times how appalling to. have people aware of your existence and so this is uh this is a little minor incantation to uh deny kind of make people forget about you so you're gonna want to get a mirror and a like a wax crayon and just look at yourself in the mirror and then uh just graffiti your face much like you would um uh a political poster or a page in your textbook if you were twelve years old so black out a tooth or um give yourself uh the moustache um glasses uh draw different haircut whatever um and then you're gonna need a hot face cloth and you're gonna wash your own face with it hot towel mmm nice soothing and then you're gonna use the same face cloth to wipe the mirror clean um it actually sounds like a the kind of piece of magic someone would do in a I don't know like a China Mayville story or something like that I'm quite pleased with that one to be honest let's see how I can follow it up uh next horror that was just a small one just a small piece of magic uh okay um small uh it's a very almost um almost inconsequential horror but uh but they compound don't they um this you know the small ones the small ones add up sometimes just as much as the big ones so uh um we'll just do the fear of being made foolish made to appear foolish uh in a personal or professional capacity so that's pretty that's pretty much all capacities uh a little protective against appearing foolish uh so for this again we're gonna go back to uh our friend the egg great magical item the egg uh but if you for this one you're gonna want kind of any egg except a hen's egg so not a chicken egg uh but let's think about that what can that be duck duck egg great goose hard to find quail oolala what are you rich um ostrich obviously you're a Saharan poacher um either way non non-hen based egg um I don't know is it spring steal a nest from birds don't do that birds get really upset when you do that uh we got our non-chicken egg and um we're gonna crack that under the pillow so just under your pillow and crack it open yeah it's gonna make a mess so if you can obviously the smaller the egg the quicker the cleanup but we're not here for clean up we're here for efficacy of uh magical effect and then you're gonna cut some hair uh off your body anywhere on the body doesn't doesn't matter um obviously for many people the easiest way to do that will be head uh for those who are more like me maybe beard is probably quite an easy one um uh if you have no body hair uh that's a well you uh you have access to uh other powers anyway so I don't know why you need these everyone knows that if you've got alopecia you get a bunch of cantrips for free and just sprinkle the hair through the egg and then pillow pillow on top of that and then you're gonna sleep on it. Um this isn't a good one if you are a mobile sleeper but the thing is is that if you wake up and you've got egg everywhere it's kind of worked the best because it's very hard to feel foolish through the day when you've woken up with egg and hair stuck all over your faceon seven episode six an incantation against the horrors Sleepy Time Mumbles is created and hosted by me Dan Pain is produced by Hoost Octopus Theatre etc here in Otahi Christchurch New Zealand You can subscribe or follow the show from multiple links in the show notes but until next time Good night and at the same time