Are podcasts TOO interesting? Need a podcast you CAN miss? Every episode comedian and playwright Dan Bain improvises a low-stakes podcast that's interesting enough to listen to, but not interesting enough to keep you awake, giving you the perfect podcast to fall asleep to.
Good evening, and welcome to Dam Bane's Sleep Time Mumbles Podcast You Can Miss. I'm Dan Bane, and every episode I improvise a low stakes podcast for you to fall asleep to. Friends, it's a long storied history of the podcast that I disappear for a extended period of time and then return with a half-hearted apology. Last month I had quite an unpleasant cold, which put me off kind of recording recording recording for a week and change. And then I I just got sick again with a different cold with a different set of symptoms that was even more uncomfortable and unpleasant. And to the extent that I had to go to the doctor and get some antibiotics. Except it was Sunday, so I had to go to the doctor on the internet, which was very expensive, but I had to get the antibiotics because I had a sinus infection and was about to go on the aeroplane. And as everybody knows, the only thing worse than a sinus infection is changing the pressure on your sinuses by going in the aeroplane. So I had to. So similar, and that was achievable. So hopefully we'll be able to do that this evening as well. It's good to be back. Now put down your phone, turn off your screens, and close your eyes. Now it's time to be mumbled to sleep. Bring to a boil one liter of salt water, and in that salt water place an unskined brown onion. Let it float around in the broth and add one half a teaspoon of nutmeg and reduce that down to a half of its own self. That'll take a while. And then refrigerate chill for a chill until cold. Then hollow out a large turnip and pour the reduced salt brine into the turnip and then close it. So what you've done is you've cut a hole in it, but you've left a like a plug that'll go back in. So like cut a cone and then just cut the top of that, maybe hollow out some more of the inside, and then pour in the liquid and then plug it shut. And that is uh for for one full moon full moon to full moon proc uh lunar month, isn't it? Um bury that in the garden and then dig it out, and once that comes out, um you're gonna uh get teaspoon and just have someone uh pour it on your eyes while you're asleep. So very gently they're just gonna pour a teaspoon of that onto your eyes, and that is um that's good, that's grandmother's recipe, and she had great eyesight, so must work. Uh this is a remedy for a chesty cough. Uh get a cup of dirt from outside just a big old cup of soil and try for it to not be too clay forward. You want earth the the soil, the more soil, the more earth like the better. And you're gonna sieve that through a just like through a baking sieve. If you've got one of those winding ones, you know, those old school ones where you can wind them and go through the the mesh that would be your best bit and once you've sieved out the dirt it sh it'll be quite fine, and to that you're gonna add two teaspoons of uh black pepper and one teaspoon of mustard powder and you're gonna cut up a radish and put that in as well. Gonna dice that up real fine and then uh you turn the oven on to medium oven 180 Celsius. I can't do Fahrenheit conversions, I'm sorry I never learned to 350 probably uh and then you're gonna bake it, you're gonna spread that out over a tray thinly and you're gonna bake it in the oven. And what that what that's gonna do is that's just gonna that's gonna really dry out all the infused ingredients here, your dirt and your dry ingredients and you're gonna bake that for a quite a long time, um two hours, three hours, you're gonna bake that for four hours uh until it's bone dry. Speaking of bones, get some you can get some old bones and if you have a bone grinder um just grind those into a fine powder and those can go into you can add that at any stage of the recipe, but no wet bones. Um that's yeah that's really gonna that'll throw out your your pH levels etc now once that drying is done you're gonna take that out of the oven and oh obviously I'm saying do this in the oven for modern convenience, but if you have a hearth, an old open fire uh that you're able to do this over, then obviously uh or a pizza oven, you could do it in a pizza oven. Uh obviously if that's an option for you you should uh do it in there inarguably you're gonna uh you're gonna get a better result. Okay, so now you've got uh you've got your your pile of dirt and let it cool down. Okay, uh it's been in the oven for a long time and you don't want to uh you don't want to get burnt from any of it. And now what you're gonna do is uh you're gonna put it into uh you're gonna need a a deer skin pouch. Okay. So a cured kind of deer hide. Right, uh fur the fur on the outside, kind of the leather hide on the interior, a little pouch, just a drawstring pouch, it doesn't need to be fancy, and you're gonna put it in that and then you're just gonna you're gonna hang it uh around your mouth and nose, uh like a nose bag for a horse. So you know how uh if the horse is too lazy to eat food out of the trough that you put a bag, so that's what you're gonna do. You're gonna put a bag all the dirt your dirt compound is gonna go in there, and you're not gonna eat it, okay? You're just gonna you're just gonna sniff it um for a week and it's really important that uh you keep it on continuously, don't don't take it off, and that's gonna clear that cough right up, just breathing in um all that dusty dusty dirt is gonna that's a so that's a recipe from grandma and she never had a cough ever. The only time she coughed was when she was making kind of a social judgment, it wasn't even health because she she loved to hang the debag around her face. Right, this is a uh this is a special tea for uh if you have an upset tummy, so sore stomach. This is a tea that you can make and uh it has some specialized ingredients, but also probably the majority of the ingredients are you'd be able to find them uh around the house. So you're gonna need a big tube of uh PVA glue, so that's a wood glue. Uh uh, but also doesn't need to be super strong, could just be a craft version, so uh Elmer's glue for those in North America. So you'll need that. Uh, you're also going to need a large bag of Withers Originals. Uh so this is a like a butterscotch cream candy. Withers originals are of course the best choice for this, but if you can find Again, a hard butterscotch cream candy lolly sweet, then uh that that is a possibility. You're gonna get that whole bag, and you're just gonna grind them, you're gonna grind them all up into a powder, and then uh you go you're gonna squirt a big uh puddle of the wood glue out onto a um a sheet of baking paper, and you're gonna wait for that to get tacky. So it's gonna start, and it's gonna start, it's gonna form a skin. Uh it's not gonna sit in the middle, and when it forms that skin, you're just gonna kind of massage that a little bit, kind of knead it a little bit until uh the whole thing isn't dry but is kind of a tacky, kind of gummy consistency, and then you're gonna you're just gonna mix through the uh uh the powdered butterscotch cream sweets with his originals if you can get them. And you're going to yeah, that's gonna be like quite like a paste, and then eventually it's gonna harden. Uh, and before it completely hardens, you're gonna divide it up um into like about the size of a a tic-tac and yeah, and just roll those into little kind of little bullets, isn't it? Um and and leave those out to dry and they'll harden completely and yeah, then uh if you have a sortummy, um you can just get a cup of hot water, uh boiling water, and you just drop two of those into that and just let them dissolve and then uh and then you drink it and it oh it's yummy and uh kind of it's got a real hearty thickness to it from the glue as it melts in the hot water. Um and it's sweet and yeah, uh and that's a recipe from grandma and she never she never had a sore tummy and she loved to she was always eating those. Sometimes she'd have them even if she didn't have a sort like if she just thought she was going to get one so that's something uh you can you can use now if you've got um if you've got a runny nose uh what you can do is uh just get a box of uh printer paper and what you're gonna do is uh get out two or three or four sheets of printer paper and you're just gonna roll it uh into a very tight tube um widthways down the paper. So uh yeah, rolling the length of it, so the width is the tube. Uh narrow thin narrow tube, and then you're going to and then you're gonna fold it in half, and then you're gonna place each on each end of the tube, so it's kind of gonna look like a V or a little a U of paper, and what you're gonna do is you're just going to uh get a couple of uh raspberries and you're just gonna slide those onto the ends of I some people use frozen or freeze-dried raspberries for this, and I would I'd kind of recommend against that, um yeah. Obviously, if that's all you've got uh knock yourself out, but best results uh fresh ideal. Now you'll know that like raspberries kind of uh have a natural kind of hollowness to them, and you're gonna use that to your advantage. You're gonna kind of slide them onto the ends of uh each bit of paper, and then you're just gonna push uh each of the one of those up uh each of your nostrils, and so the paper is kind of creating a U or a V, I guess, a pipe effectively, let's say, between between the two nostrils, and those raspberries are creating a kind of a seal around the outside, and also giving you a real kind of fresh berry fragrance in there. And what's gonna happen here is uh you're gonna create like a closed loop so there's nowhere for you know that mucus um to escape. It's just gonna so you're not gonna have a runny nose anymore. And yeah, so that's grandma's wrestling, and she never had a runny nose. So there you go. I will just say none of this is actual medical advice and is intended for entertainment purposes only. Do not make any of these recipes. This is my disclaimer. This is not actual medicine. Okay. Satire of uh I don't know. People that make medicine out of onions. Okay. That this is medicinal. Sleepy Time Mumbles is a podcast. And that podcast is produced by Noost Octopus Theatre, etc. And is hosted and created by me, Dan Bain. You can follow the show and support us in many ways via primarily internet links that you'll find in the show notes of this podcast. Until next time.
